So, here it is. Almost midnight and I'm laying in my dark room with my iTunes on in the background. I've been stuck in this room for almost a week now and I have to say any place can become a prison if you're forced to stay there for long extended periods of time with little to no contact with those you care about.
I don't know if it's the isolation, this illness, the medicine, or a combination of all, but I've been on an emotional roller coaster lately. My filter's not working as well as it usually does. I don't know, maybe that's a good thing. All I do know is that the more my brain and heart hurt, the more my body hurts. I know I need to stop stressing. It's not all about me and it doesn't revolve around me, but I do help make this thing go round. We all do, in some way or another.
Someone told me to stop worrying about the things I have no control over. My problem is figuring out what I can and cannot control. I can't control people's actions but I can control how I react to them. Here lies another problem: picking your battles. If I keep my mouth shut about things that hurt me, than I appear strong. If, however, I tell anyone any time they hurt me, I appear too high strung and emotional, maybe even bothersome, even if it's true. Where's my middle ground?
Someone else told me I don't give myself enough credit and that's probably true. I feel like I need to be validated and told that I'm doing a good job and that I matter. Not only told, but shown. And that's bullshit. I shouldn't have to be told that I'm a good person/friend. I know I am. I shouldn't feel like I need that validation either.
If you were to ask me what I'm good at, I would say taking care of others. Take that away, and I'm not sure anymore who I am or what my purpose is. I don't want to stop caring, I just want to stop hurting.
