Some good for once

I know I usually blog when I'm feeling down but this time I'm not and I feel like I need to get out the good just as much as the bad.

So, here's the thing: there are a lot of changes happening in my life right now. Most of them for the better, even if they hurt like hell right now and make me question my sanity, I have this feeling it's all going to work out for the best. Even the changes that I'm not sure about, those are the ones that scare me cause they can either go really well or really bad, but I'm being cautiously optimistic.

Point is that there is a lot of stuff that I could be worrying about right now, but what good would it do? Not a damn bit. It's taken me a long time to figure that out and I'll probably forget it again a long the way, but for now, for now I know that all the hardships have actually made me a stronger person. Some people (ahem Amber and Ginny and my GAs) have said that I don't give myself enough credit and they're right and admitting that doesn't make me a pompous selfish bitch or a bad person. I have been through a lot of shit and the fact that I'm still holding down a full-time job, going to school, and taking care of someone without being a complete raging lunatic or druggie is something I finally feel proud of.

I feel like a bad ass m'fer and that is both an amazing feeling and one that scares the bejesus out of me. I'm not used to feeling like this and I don't want to lose it.

So I'm just going to keep breathing and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I got this. I hope...

Things you think in the dark can consume your light

So, here it is. Almost midnight and I'm laying in my dark room with my iTunes on in the background. I've been stuck in this room for almost a week now and I have to say any place can become a prison if you're forced to stay there for long extended periods of time with little to no contact with those you care about.

I don't know if it's the isolation, this illness, the medicine, or a combination of all, but I've been on an emotional roller coaster lately. My filter's not working as well as it usually does. I don't know, maybe that's a good thing. All I do know is that the more my brain and heart hurt, the more my body hurts. I know I need to stop stressing. It's not all about me and it doesn't revolve around me, but I do help make this thing go round. We all do, in some way or another.

Someone told me to stop worrying about the things I have no control over. My problem is figuring out what I can and cannot control. I can't control people's actions but I can control how I react to them. Here lies another problem: picking your battles. If I keep my mouth shut about things that hurt me, than I appear strong. If, however, I tell anyone any time they hurt me, I appear too high strung and emotional, maybe even bothersome, even if it's true. Where's my middle ground? 

Someone else told me I don't give myself enough credit and that's probably true. I feel like I need to be validated and told that I'm doing a good job and that I matter. Not only told, but shown. And that's bullshit. I shouldn't have to be told that I'm a good person/friend. I know I am. I shouldn't feel like I need that validation either.

If you were to ask me what I'm good at, I would say taking care of others. Take that away, and I'm not sure anymore who I am or what my purpose is. I don't want to stop caring, I just want to stop hurting.

An Intro of sorts...

I used to think I was one of those people who wasn't running from my past, but more running to try and get back to it. But now, I've realized that's wrong, because, in a way I am running from it.

If I stop to think about all the bad things that have happened in my life, I wouldn't be able to get on with the good-and there ARE good things. Just because they may be smaller and happen with greater frequency doesn't make them any less significant than the bad. And it's a shame really, that we let the bad things that happen far and few between consume our life that we take the good things for granted. Doesn't mean we aren't going to get hurt and have breakdowns, because face it- we are. But we have to be strong enough to realize that and keep moving on. It's like someone once said: It's only life; nobody makes it out alive.

So play the hand you're dealt to the best of your ability and let the dice fall where they may.